"it" just moved
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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