Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
