the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
