Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
