My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
