I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
