Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
