there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize