At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
