I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize