Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
soo... how was my night?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
