in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
