I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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