my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
