She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
