And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
