Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
