I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
