Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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