giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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