There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
