Your face is a jimmy john
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
