You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
