we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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