i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize