I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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