Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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