I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
