you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
