i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
