You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
