my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize