you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
