ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
