my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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