So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
