oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
