Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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