when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
