You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
