i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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