she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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