I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
