Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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