Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
