I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
