i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
