I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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