Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Randomize
