Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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