Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
