Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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