new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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