You just made me feel so damn special
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
