I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
she peed on how many people?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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