you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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