i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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