well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
