I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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