I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
