she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
