Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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