I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
