sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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