Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
