I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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